And what can I say…don't be mad if your car is on this list.
Aston Martin Lagonda. Hmmm! Good dope.Aston Martin Lagonda. Hmmm! Good drug.
photo: ZombieDrive
- Aston Martin Lagonda
Today, Aston Martin is one of the leading manufacturers of dreams on four wheels. If you just look at models like Vantage, Vanquish and Rapide, I don't think we need to spend a lot of words to describe the most important attributes in terms of design of these models. But during the eighties it wasn't exactly like that, because that era was marked by a difficult financial situation for Aston Martin and one of the ugliest cars of all time, namely the Lagonda model.
The very name of the model is a derivative of the company of the same name that Aston Martin took over in 1947, so it actually makes sense that this Aston Martin model turned out to be a complete failure, considering the same fate that the Lagonda company experienced before being bought by this renowned car manufacturer. Basically, the low silhouette, angular design, simply too many lighting fixtures on the car, and the ergonomic properties of a medieval toilet, made this model one of the icons of general undesirability in the modern car world. It is therefore not surprising that from 1974, when the AML was presented at the London Motor Show, until the final abandonment of this truly disgusting model in 1990, a total of 645 examples were sold in several colors. But the design is only one of the big minuses for this car, while the rest of the list of undesirable attributes is made up of very questionable quality and disastrous driving characteristics.
Namely, several well-respected car journalists described the sensation of driving this car as “indescribably horrible”, because this Aston model allegedly did nothing properly. The list of minuses in that segment is quite long, and includes a bad steering mechanism, brakes made of cow's cheese, an interior that, combined with moisture, smelled of glue, and absolutely illogically arranged instruments that lit up the cabin at night like Bethlehem – and that connected to the bad city power grid. Basically, this Aston Martin is clear proof that even the best make mistakes.
Yes, I know…Mitsubishi Colt of the latest generation is actually a car intended for those who see the process of parking as an extremely foreign concept, and for those who want to be different from the rest. But parking can be learned with a little effort, while “being different” does not usually represent something that necessarily has to be good and positive.
In the world of small cars, the Mitsubishi Colt was often an excellent compromise, because although it was never the most beautiful car in its class, it primarily attracted attention with its excellent ratio of investment and profit compared to the competition. And there were also sporadic performances that caused Colt to threaten the former compact city racers far outside of Japan. But to say that the latest generation of this small Japanese model is “not the most beautiful” would be roughly the same as saying that Dragan Paravinja is “a little sick” – especially when it comes to the CZC version, that is, the one with the movable roof.
For the model in question, first of all, I'm never sure which is the front end and which is the rear end, but as a rule, that doesn't really matter, because from whichever side you approach it, this little Mitsubishi looks simply disgusting. Admittedly, the front and rear ends of this car aren't quite as problematic as the CZC is terrible to approach from the side, because the lines of this car actually resemble a half-drawn car that was completed by folding paper and dragging an identical drawing from the front end to the rear. Of course, it shouldn't be done in such a way, but a small Japanese design school decided for the umpteenth time to try to present a slightly different approach to the world. Thus, the Mitsubishi Colt CZC found itself on many lists of the ugliest cars in the world. But considering the fact that the sold copies are actually extremely few, we did not put it in a higher (i.e. lower) place on this list.
- Suzuki X-90
Realistically speaking, there's something about the little Suzuki roadsters…something endearing, recognizable, and in some cases even “cool”. Their K-cars, of which there are an awful lot in Japan, often look super-cute. E.g. the Cappuccino stands as one of the absolute cutest small cars I've ever seen, and the legendary Swift GTi remains to this day one of the craziest and most uncompromising cars I've ever had the opportunity to drive. Also, in the segment of SUV-like models, Samurai and Vitara won over customers all over the world, which is already common knowledge nowadays. Therefore, we can say anything and everything about Suzuki, but the affinities towards this brand are not in vain and unfounded.
…and that's how Suzuki produced cute little and slightly bigger cars for years and years, and then at one point something terrible happened. And that something terrible put Suzuki among those automakers that have simply gone bonkers in their pursuit of visual fascination.
Basically, we are talking about Suzuki's XC-90 model. The car in question was like a cross between a Cappuccino and a Vitara, that is, a two-seater like an SUV, which in theory doesn't actually sound bad. But… the Suzuki XC-90 in its world-presented form turned out to be a car that would have been better if it had never appeared. Small in dimensions, too tall and a strange combination of two diametrically opposed models, the XC-90 turned out like a condom – unnecessary for most, without any direction towards unlimited enjoyment, and for the majority of admirers of this brand and its models, it simply went to k…oops…censorship.
Wow! An American car without a roof, combined with precious wood and four seats… Sounds idyllic, doesn't it?! Well, it's not really when you look at the photos. Because even though the Chrysler LeBaron is indeed an American car, none of the “real stuff” comes bundled with it. By this, I primarily mean the absence of a V8-engine with a larger volume, rear-wheel drive and a huge amount of torque that is manifested by twisting the chassis when moving from a standstill. So, there is no smoke from the rear wheels and roar from the exhaust system, which would emphasize the origin of the car itself and the “American dream” in the sense of four wheels and a steering wheel. Because LeBaron is essentially not an American car, but a representation of the Europeanized idea of pushing market boundaries by this car manufacturer.
So, the Chrysler LeBaron with its few cylinders and “thrifty” engine was the exact opposite of everything that actually made America famous in the world of cars during the sixties and seventies of the last century. But what turns out to be fascinating is the moment to which the strange American philosophy of assembling such a car for the masses actually reaches. Because despite the movable roof and the “open sky” idea, no one has ever been able to figure out why on earth there is more wood on the outside of the car than on the inside. It's really not understandable why it was necessary to disfigure a potentially perfectly normal car with parts of chipboard and discarded parquet? Does anyone know the answer to that question?
…of course not. What is even less clear related to this car, boils down to the fact that with that completely unnecessary amount of wood glued to the sides of the LeBaron, someone thought to offer an extra payment for the so-called. “Continental whale”. For those who don't know what it is, let's put it this way: “Continental kit” is nothing less than another rear bumper mounted on the already existing one. And watch out now: the one in question was supposed to serve as a rack for the leather-covered spare tire and the chrome spoke rim cover right from the very beginning. Oh mother… Generally, although the Chrysler LeBaron as a car is actually more impersonal and funny than actually ugly, in this version and with this surcharge it turns out to be funny and nasty to the very limits of those terms. And actually the question is why on this list it was not moved up another place towards the top.
- BMW 5 Series Gran Turismo
When we read the official press materials and praises in the form of a description of this BMW model, we imagine something really special. Dynamic. Interesting. Nice. Then we begin to imagine the man who one fine morning walked into the meeting of the main board at BMW with an idea and suggested that the body of the then current “five” be made a little longer and higher. After that process, the idea goes further, and the fifth door is mounted on the rear end of the newly created body, and then the complete body would be mounted on the “seven” platform. And in theory, all those items within this story don't sound so bad. But looking at the photos of the BMW 5 Series GT, that whole idea falls into the water and the assumption follows that someone else happened to walk into the board meeting that day – and without an idea. Maybe the cleaner from the morning shift. Maybe a janitor or a deaf-mute person with a full bladder looking for a toilet, whose gestures were simply “understood” by the other participants in the meeting, so the BMW 5 GT series was actually created that way. But these are still ideas, i.e. products of inspiration and a kind of cynicism in my head, but there is no help. Frankly, it's almost impossible to imagine how a typical customer of this humped monster approaches a salesperson in a showroom. With what words does he explain to the seller in question what kind of car he really wants?
It can be assumed that the address to the smiling salesman sounds something like “Good day. What is the ugliest model you currently offer? Well, great…give me a silver one.” But be that as it may, this is one of those models that even the manufacturer himself somehow admits should never have happened, or at least not in the form in which it happened. Because the BMW 5 series with the suffix GT is one of the absolute biggest horrors that this Bavarian brand has ever brought to the market.
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